it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
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It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.