Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
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I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer