My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
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My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace