I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
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I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Dammit Chief not again
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over