I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
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My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Coffee for people with no kids
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
and now we wait
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle