date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
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JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
✌️
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.