“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
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3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
😜
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.