I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
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So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Pretty sure I鈥檝e gotten as far as I鈥檓 going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We鈥檒l be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 馃憣馃徏
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today鈥檚 turkey.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that