Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
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At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Everyone’s family
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex