Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
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If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
thanksgiving in nutshell
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
haha same
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.