Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
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[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
This has made my week.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.