Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
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if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed