For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
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HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
The best plant holders?
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one