Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
You Might Also Like
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves