Best seat on the street 😍
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Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean