[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
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*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
greetings!
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired