Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
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man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally