karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
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[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
This is not me but this is me
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
worst…sale…ever
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
💻🤡
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.