I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
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I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???