Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
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the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
asked my bf how work was today
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank