Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
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my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.