Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
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When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I thought this was funny lol
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals