cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
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[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Bros before Ohioes
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
When you let grandma cat sit
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.