How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
You Might Also Like
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*