My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
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[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.