She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
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KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?