What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
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[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water