What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
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Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
guilty
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
this is uni
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.