I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
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Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild