A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
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Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
honestly, i need both:
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.