Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
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Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??