dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
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Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.