Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
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Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
@funTweeters I am at your service….
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!