Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
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You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”