5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
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[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Is anyone gonna tell them?
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?