MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.