visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
You Might Also Like
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.