All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
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My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
When the stylist spins you back around
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game