Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Every. Damn. Time.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers