Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
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Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
How to properly lift a body
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up