Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
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son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.