Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
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Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
groan^2
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Breaking news:
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
🤣😈🤣
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.