Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
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There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
A completely valid reaction tbh
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
broke down and did it
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
thank god
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.