[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
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Chemical wingman
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
#growingpains
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.