I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
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Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated