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Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.