If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
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I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Cats (2019)
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
The opposite of Iceland is water water
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay