Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
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Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos