As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
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[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Why is everyone getting married at me
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it