Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
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Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something